Painting with very broad strokes, there are two ways to negotiate a scene: inclusively and exclusively.

In an inclusive negotiation, the Top and bottom (pluralize, as necessary) negotiate exactly which things will be allowed in the scene. Anything else is off the table.

In an exclusive negotiation, certain things are ruled out. The main category of things ruled out is simply hard limits. But also, things might be ruled out one or both parties simply aren’t in the mood for and/or can’t handle right now. For example, face slapping is a huge turn on for me, but when I was dealing with TMJ and the attendant jaw pain, I had to place some limits on it. However, anything not explicitly ruled out is left on the table. Especially for public play, there is a general sense of where the scene will go (“We’re going to do a flogging tonight”), but it may also include things outside of that.

Inclusive negotiation is generally considered the safer way to play, and it’s highly, highly recommended for those new to the scene and/or new to a particular play partner. And I agree with both those statements 100%.

But it’s not how I play.

For the vast majority of my scenes, I am an exclusive negotiator. I will let my Top/s know my hard limits. And yes, for a public scene, we will talk about what in general is on the table.  (Besides me.  Heh.) But that is, in many ways, a pragmatic thing: short of my Top/s bringing every toy in their possession, an impact scene isn’t going to evolve into an impromptu fire scene.

Other than that, though, I leave the door wide open. If I haven’t made something a limit, and you want to try it, go ahead. And yes, that makes me very vulnerable. What if they try something I’ve never thought of before, and I don’t like it? That is a risk I willingly choose to take, because vulnerability is really important for me when I play. I LIKE it. It enhances my headspace.  Also, I’ve discovered a few amazing kinks this way when someone unexpectedly tried something new on me.

However, one thing I think doesn’t get acknowledged nearly enough is this: while that might sound like a dream for a Top, the knowledge that they can scratch almost any itch they might have, it also makes them very vulnerable. Inclusive negotiations tend to be preferred by Tops, too, because it makes them less likely to be accused of a consent violation later. As long as they keep to the letter of what was negotiated, that’s fairly good protection.

But here is why exclusive negotiation works well for me: I believe strongly in PRICK, Personal Responsibility in Consensual Kink. I don’t practice exclusive negotiation because I am naive enough to think that I know my every hard limit, and that everything else that anyone could possibly do to me is something I will enjoy. Not at all. But I accept that risk and take personal responsibility for playing the way I do.

I promise my Tops my personal responsibility in two ways:

1. If you do something to me that I truly don’t like as it is happening, I will use my safeword. I will let you know so that we can switch directions or even stop altogether if necessary. The latter has never happened, but I do promise to give you my communication.

2. If I allowed something to happen during a scene without using my safeword but then have mixed feelings about it later, I won’t accuse you of violating my consent. I will certainly talk to you about it, so we can discuss why it didn’t work. Depending on how exactly I feel after our discussion, it could potentially become a new item on my hard limits list. But I won’t try to retroactively make it one.

And this works for me. I’m not saying it works for everyone.

Nor am I recommending it for everyone!

Let’s be very clear about that. You do negotiations that work for you. Exclusive negotiations definitely do not work for everyone, nor in every situation.

But for me, the vulnerability of setting a minimal amount of parameters makes my scenes feel more fulfilling. My kink is intensely sexual, and the more control I give up, the more of a turn on it is for me. Of course, I will add in as much inclusive negotiation as my partner/s want, because as noted above, no matter how much I promise them the above two things, until they know me enough to trust they are true, negotiations are as much about protecting them as they are about protecting me.  But my favorite way to negotiate is to say:

These are my hard limits. Outside of those, do whatever the fuck you want to me.